How to be a good friend as an adult

or how to feel you've reached the pinnacle of friendship

I had a conversation with a new friend today about what we expected out of a friendship. It was quite an eye-opening experience, to be asked those questions up front about our place in each other's world, and it's something that is a good basis to build a solid friendship on.

But it got me to wondering (and asking my friends) what makes a good friend? (And, ultimately, am I being the friend those people need?)Here's what random texts to friends and a few hours down the Google-hole showed me about being a good friend as an adult.

1 - schedule your plans.

Life is busy, especially when you're a grown up. For the last 5 years, most of my social interactions have been planned around my busy volunteer roles (purple is personal in my colour-coded bullet journal) - in fact, just today I've organised a dinner date with a girlfriend for a couple of weeks time, and I'm really excited to catch up.

While it can sometimes be hard to make full schedules work (I had a friend-date booked for last Monday that took us nearly 3 weeks to lock in, but took a knock to the head and had to cancel), it is worthwhile when you finally make the connection of a date that works for everyone.

And a little bit of anticipation never hurt anyone 😉

2 - communicate, communicate, communicate

I recently spotted a Facebook Memory where I whinged about having to download the Messenger app to communicate with friends.

Now, text chats are how I keep in touch with everybody!

Communication is a priority in any relationship, but it is super-important to keep the lines open with friends. As I've watch my teenagers navigate their friendships, I realised that all those years ago, the mistake I made most with my teenage friends was not talking to them. (I'm a much better talker/texter now, sometimes)

Talking with your friends can help overcome the "missing time" feeling if you can't coordinate a dinner date, and let's face it, these days technology makes it so much easier to have friends that you may never meet, and your whole relationship is built on communication.

3 -be open and honest

It's taken me a very long time to figure out exactly what "being open and honest" means (and I'm not sure I've quite got it yet), but when I reached out to a few different friends and asked them what made a good friend, the loudest answer of all was this one.

Being open refers to being willing to share and be vulnerable.

It isn't dumping all the things on a friend and then leaving the station, but sharing in a reciprocal way that allows people to find connection in the words and actions.

Honesty also requires vulnerability - being willing to share your truth with others, even if you're not sure you should. As one of my friends put it "tell it straight, no BS"

4 - be non-judgemental

This can be a tough one. Everyone comes with preconceived ideas of what is appropriate, and everyone judges. But this was another requirement that my friends said was a must to have a really good friend relationship.

Having a friend who doesn't judge the words you say or the things you do makes it easier to be open and vulnerable and honest. It also allows people to meet you where you're at, and hold space for you.

Some other traits that were suggested to help you be a better friend:

they spend time talking (so they give as good as they get)
they're a listener (always a priority)
has your back, is supportive
be there in tough times
they're loyal
they're reliable, you can count on them when you need help
they're there for what you need, whether it's to laugh or cry

So my assessment is that based on these criteria, I'm doing a bloody good job of being a good friend (and I've picked a great bunch of people to have around me.)

Friday, 11 October 2024