hello 4am

Ive been awake for two hours, waking to sneeze and snuffle and cough and pee

It's cold out of bed, but I struggle to reach for a tissue so have to sit up, blow my nose once again

When I woke up, I didn't think I'd stay awake. I tried to doze, but gave up and just read my book

And then I reached the last page of the book, and wandered around Facebook for half an hour

I can hear Natalie softly breathing, and Steve gently snoring, and Riley is wriggling against the blankets

It's 4am, and I really want to sleep, but it eludes me

I know it's practise for baby's arrival, and I know that it's only for a couple of days before a full nights sleep returns, but I just want to sleep now

I start to mentally write a blog post, this one, and finally feel my body relaxing (and baby kicking and moving around)

I pull the blankets up over my shoulders again, and close my eyes

And wake up at 7am with the sun peeking through a gap in the curtains.

#baby5 | 34 weeks | mama guilt

I realised a couple of days ago that I've been suffering from a bit of mama guilt with this pregnancy.

Mostly because it shouldn't have taken me so long to get used to the idea of having another baby. Partly because I have no idea how Chloe feels about having another baby. Partly because I've got so much to do, from cleaning the house to finishing off paperwork for the accountant to sewing stuff that is pinned together ready to be sewed. And partly because we're in a financially bad place at the moment, on the verge of sliding over the edge of the cliff and I can't do anything to help take that stress away.

And after seeing 4 day old twins at school today, and a friend's 3 week old, I realise I'm woefully under-prepared for such a small creature to find it's way into our hearts and lives. I'd forgotten just how small babies were! How do you forget something like that?!

I'm not sure that the reality of a new bundle of pink will hit until she's actually safely in my arms. And even that will pose a problem, because I have a super-jealous small boy here at the moment, not happy at all despite all the explanations about a baby sister coming soon.

And the sheer logistics of birth are doing my head in. Steve has changed jobs and is now gone five days a week. The only person available for the kids to stay with is my brother, and being a truck driver himself who goes all over the south east of Queensland, that's not the easiest thing to achieve.

{The actual labour process is a no-brainer - my last two were 2hrs each, which already has the hospital reminding me what to do if bub arrives quickly at home}

Sometimes I wish I could wind the clock back, and plan better (although our plan was for no more.) And right now I'm at the point where I want to wind the clock forward and just get on with it. Because when I stop and take a breath and calm down, I know everything will work out just the way it's supposed to.

happy mail

Who doesn't love getting something in the mail other than bills? And when it's little parcels of cuteness, well, that's even better!

This beautiful, summery top made it's way from England to my mailbox (last month, but it got lost in a pile on the desk) - Thank you so much, Deb!

And this cuteness made me cry! It's come all the way from Arizona, USA! Thank you, Deb!

And this little parcel of bits and pieces is from Chipper, as part of Sian's Great Big Swap of Very Small Things! And it's all so spot on! (there's also a couple of stamped journal cards, but I didn't discover them until I'd taken the photograph - I was so excited to see the truck and veneers and flowers!)

When did you last get a parcel in the mail?

day 21 | favourite posts

Reading my old posts is something I don't do very often, although the whole purpose of keeping this online space is to capture the memories. But every now and again I'm reminded of something that I know I wrote about, and I set off to hunt it out. I follow the trail of links from one post to another, and soon I'm smiling, laughing, remembering those moments, exactly like I'm supposed to!

As you can imagine, almost 6 years and over 1000 posts means there's a lot to trawl through when deciding on favourite posts. Including simple posts like this shows where I started from.

And I've obviously been asking why others blog for a long time.

And my kids behaviour has driven me mad for a long time

There's Natalie's first steps

This recipe for chicken filo with spinach and feta is still the.most.clicked.ever. post

There's the post reminder about the day Chloe left.

And the scrapbook page I did when I discovered I was pregnant with Riley.

There's round up posts that make me smile

And round up posts that make me wish things were different

There's the start of a series

And a reminder that I haven't been taking note of changes

There's firsts

And posts that still make me cry

There's the reminder of how close we came to losing it all

And a definition of housework

There's insightfulness

There was a teenager under our roof for a while

And posts about creative growth

There's words to my husband

And to my daughter

There's product reviews

And tutorials

And lots and lots of recipes {milo slice is still a favourite}

There's snippets of life

And changes of plan

And so much of our lives poured into this little space.

How often do you re-read your old posts?

day 17 | favourite selfie

Taken Mother's Day, 2012, while camping